Life as a Single Father!

It's no secret! Life as a single father is tough. If you have been through a separation or divorce it can make things even harder still. Being a father is a hard enough job as it is! Going through a separation or divorce only complicates the process and it brings on a whole new world of unknowns. With separation comes a multitude of symptoms from heartache, confusion, depression, loss, desperation, anger, resentment, financial crisis, the list goes on. In this crazy world of ever growing single parenting it is important to remember what is important, and that is our children! With all the struggles going on around us it's easy to lose grasp of what it is that your truly here to do and that is be the best parent you can to your child or children. I know first hand how hard being a single father can be and I have hit many walls of adversity along the way.

 I used to think it would never end, that my feelings of pain and suffering would never stop. I was wrong! It gets better! I found that if I had the balls to create a child, I too had the balls to make circumstances better for myself and my child. I did it! With little or no help I devised a way to make things better. It took many years and a lot of hard work but I can look back now and say, it was all worth it! I  learned a great deal from my experiences and choices. I may have learned many things the hard way because of my lack of understanding and knowledge, but in the end I learned what was most important to me. I learned an important thing about my own cognitive dissonance. 


Cognitive dissonance is an uncomfortable feeling caused by holding conflicting ideas simultaneously. The theory of cognitive dissonance proposes that people have a motivational drive to reduce dissonance. They do this by changing their attitudes, beliefs, and actions. Dissonance is also reduced by justifying, blaming, and denying. I did a lot of that. I blamed my circumstances, my ex, my life. I wanted to believe that the world was not a good place and that people didn't really care. This strongly conflicted with me because I did care and I wanted nothing more than to be a good person and a good parent to my child. I realized that in order to do that I had to become that. I had to be congruent with my attitudes, beliefs and actions. I couldn't change the world or the people around me but I could make a change in myself. It's not a simple quick fix, but it does get better quickly. I had a lot of trails and errors going through this process of change and growth. I struggled a lot. I didn't have anyone to turn to that could genuinely understand what I was going through. Looking back I wish I did, and I bet if your in a similar situation you do too! The good news is that you do! Thats why I'm here. I'm here to share in my experience and knowledge and help you get to a better place in your life. I have struggled with many of the errors along the way and have learned the right way to approach things. With that being said I hope to eliminate a lot of those pitfalls for you and get your life on track quicker and in a much less painful way than I did. I cannot say you won't still go through some tough challenges and hard times but it will certainly help to bypass a lot of those mistakes. It also took me a long time to learn and implement these changes into my life. If I would have had this knowledge earlier it would have certainly helped. 


So as I finally learned that before I could help anyone else, be a good parent and change my circumstances I had to start from the inside out. I had to start by improving myself. This was my first step and I pass on to you! 


The rudimentary foundation for deep, lasting personal change and growth starts from within. From the way you see and interpret the world around you, your reality or paradigm. From what is vitally important to you, that encapsulates who you are, your fundamental core principles and values and from the needs, desires and responsibilities that drive you, your motives.  Ultimately it is living in adherence to ones core values/principles and beliefs. Simply put living congruently with ones attitudes, beliefs and actions will promote smooth growth and enduring happiness in your life.


I know it may be a lot to digest at this moment but believe me it's worth it in every way. Every step starts with the first step as little or as big as that step may be. 


Let me leave you with that thought for a bit and let me tell you a bit about myself and where I came from. 

Statistics and Interesting Information

There are some very interesting facts about single parent families and their effects on children. I'd like to offer a few facts here. When I was competing in Provincial Court for custody of my child I did a lot of research. This information not only depressed me but it gave me valuable insight that I needed to overcome the fight for my right to be a father. I battled the odds and prejudice of the Family Justice and Provincial Court system.  The odds were dramatically stacked against me as a male but I did not let it stop me! Bellow are a few facts please feel free to comment your own information or add facts that may be valuable to others.

• 79.6% of custodial mothers receive a support award
• 29.9% of custodial fathers receive a support award.
• 46.9% of non-custodial mothers totally default on support.
• 26.9% of non-custodial fathers totally default on support.
• 20.0% of non-custodial mothers pay support at some level
• 61.0% of non-custodial fathers pay support at some level
• 66.2% of single custodial mothers work less than full time.
• 10.2% of single custodial fathers work less than full time.
•   7.0% of single custodial mothers work more than 44 hours weekly.
• 24.5% of single custodial fathers work more that 44 hours weekly.
• 46.2% of single custodial mothers receive public assistance.
• 20.8% of single custodial fathers receive public assistance.

[Technical Analysis Paper No. 42 - U.S. Dept. of Health and Human Services - Office of Income Security Policy]

• 40% of mothers reported that they had interfered with the fathers visitation to punish their ex-spouse.

["Frequency of Visitation" by Sanford Braver, American Journal of Orthopsychiatry]

• 50% of mothers see no value in the fathers continued contact with his children.

["Surviving the Breakup" by Joan Berlin Kelly]

• 90.2% of fathers with joint custody pay the support due.
• 79.1% of fathers with visitation privileges pay the support due.
• 44.5% of fathers with no visitation pay the support due.
• 37.9% of fathers are denied any visitation.
• 66% of all support not paid by non-custodial fathers is due to the inability to pay.

[1988 Census "Child Support and Alimony: 1989 Series" P-60, No. 173 p.6-7, and "U.S. General Accounting Office Report" GAO/HRD-92-39FS January 1992]

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  63% of youth suicides are from fatherless homes.

[U. S. D.H.H.S. Bureau of the Census]

• 90% of all homeless and runaway children are from fatherless homes.
• 85% of all children that exhibit behavioral disorders come from fatherless homes.

[Center for Disease Control]

• 80% of rapists motivated with displaced anger come from fatherless homes.

[Criminal Justice and Behavior, Vol. 14 p. 403-26]

• 71% of all high school dropouts come from fatherless homes.

[National Principals Association Report on the State of High Schools]

• 70% of juveniles in state operated institutions come from fatherless homes

[U.S. Dept. of Justice, Special Report, Sept., 1988]

• 85% of all youths sitting in prisons grew up in a fatherless home.

[Fulton County Georgia Jail Populations and Texas Dept. of Corrections, 1992]

• Nearly 2 of every 5 children in America do not live with their fathers.

[US News and World Report, February 27, 1995, p.39]

There are:

• 11,268,000 total custodial mothers
• 2,907,000 total custodial fathers

[Current Populations Reports, US Bureau of the Census, Series P-20, No. 458, 1991]

What does this mean?  Children from fatherless homes are:

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  4.6 times more likely to commit suicide,
• 6.6 times to become teenaged mothers (if they are girls, of course),
• 24.3 times more likely to run away,
• 15.3 times more likely to have behavioral disorders,
• 6.3 times more likely to be in a state-operated institutions,
• 10.8 times more likely to commit rape,
• 6.6 times more likely to drop out of school,
• 15.3 times more likely to end up in prison while a teenager.

(The calculation of the relative risks shown in the preceding list is based on 27% of children being in the care of single mothers.)
and — compared to children who are in the care of two biological, married parents — children who are in the care of single mothers are:

• 33 times more likely to be seriously abused (so that they will require medical attention), and 73 times more likely to be killed.
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  How can anyone deny that a child needs their father? Sickening as these facts may be they are here for our benefit. It is proof that we as fathers can not deny our children from the most important person in their lives, their fathers! My motivation to be a part of my child's life was not affected by odds or prejudice I vowed that if I truly loved my child I would never give up and I would do everything ethically possible to give my child his fundamental human right, the right to a father! I persevered and I won those rights! You can too!